Raising Boys - Where are we failing?

A lot of my work with children involves teaching conflict management skills, social skills and the ability to solve problems. A lot of the children I work with are boys who have challenging behaviours such as the need to over power others in order to achieve what they want.

When boys are young and they try to get what they want through physical rumbling or fighting or getting frustrated with others we say 'oh they are just being boys'. We even do this with a faint sense of pride that they can step up and defend themselves, that this is somehow a show of strength and necessary for a boy to survive in this world. Then when our boys grow up and reach the age of 18 and they get into a fight and use their fist to overpower another person and that person falls back and hits his head on the curb and dies, society condemns them for how they act and want to send them to jail for life. The law now reflects this through the "one-punch law" with a sentence of eight years in jail regardless of the person's intentions at the time.

Where is the consistency in our message. We tell them it's okay when they are little but not okay when they have grown up. How can they build the necessary skills to solve conflict peacefully when they are not encouraged to do so from the outset of their growing and best learning years.

Is it a wonder that girls tend to have such strong communication and negotiation skills by the time they reach adulthood. If a girl gets into physical fights we are very quick to condemn her actions and redirect her so that she learns to be able to achieve what she wants and needs in a more effective way and we usually succeed in doing so.

Every minute of every day of their childhood we have the opportunity to show and teach our children the necessary skills to resolve conflict peacefully and every time we don't do that with our boys they miss out on that vital piece of learning.

Society is often failing to support us in teaching our boys how to be great men. There are so many mixed messages. The violence in movies, TV shows and video games is just one example. The fact that we emphasise that they should not physically hurt women but don't place the same emphasis on physical actions towards other men.

In primary schools the message is becoming clearer. The main and consistent rule is "hands off" and physical conflict is treated very seriously and children either shape up and stop or they are suspended or expelled. This is because all children deserve the right to feel safe, respected and equal. Why then at home do we accept it when young siblings physically fight to solve their conflicts as if it is normal and impossible to avoid. All family members, including parents, have a right to feel safe, respected and equal in their own home.

We need to be teaching our boys from the beginning that physical fighting is the weakest form of problem solving. That strength in a man lies in his ability to communicate his needs in a way that gets people to cooperate. That strength in a man lies in his ability to negotiate peacefully, as an equal and with respect for himself and for others regardless of how others choose to act.

You can have a home in which there is no physical fighting or shouting or swearing. It only needs us as parents to raise our expectations and help our children now, to build the skills that will help them to succeed as adults. You can teach your children equality and respect by exampling the skills required when you interact with them and your partner. Start having family meetings to resolve day to day issues that arise and handle sibling fights by not taking sides, staying neutral and just ensure that they always remain respectful, loving and safe.

To get a full step by step guide on how to run family meetings you can purchase the Pocket Parenting Book 4 Creating Happy Families and strategies for handling sibling fights you can purchase Pocket Parenting Book 3 Sibling Rivalry on this website.