The courage to say 'No'

Parenting often requires courage. The courage to go with our inner instincts rather than what we perceive as societal norms. So many decisions need to be made by us on a daily basis regarding what we allow for our children. Decisions such as how much television they can watch, time spent on computer games, what movies they can see, where they can go, who they can go with and so on, and so on. Often there are enormous pressures to comply with society trends and perceptions to the point that we can easily forget that we as parents still have the final say in how we raise our children in a world that is constantly evolving and presenting new challenges.

When something inside us tells us we shouldn’t, often it’s right. When our children make a request, our decision shouldn’t so much depend on what their friends are doing or what their friend’s parents are agreeing to. Our children deserve to get a decision that has been well thought through. A decision that not only considers their children’s immediate needs and wants but their long term needs and wants as well. As easy as it is sometimes to say ‘yes’, we need to have the courage to also be able to say ‘no’ when we believe it is in the best interest of our child.

Telling your child that you are not comfortable about agreeing to a particular request is a good enough reason. Saying it this way puts the onus on you and your feelings rather than on your child and their ability to be trusted. It’s not that you don’t trust them or their desire to have the request approved it’s simply that you wouldn’t feel comfortable yourself in complying with their wishes. I have given this explanation to my own children on a number of occasions. There have also been times when they have come back to me with an alternative solution or a different way which has made me feel better about the request and allowed me to feel comfortable enough to be able to change my ‘no’ into a ‘yes’.

Being able to say ‘no’ sends a message to your children that they come first before any peer or society pressure when it comes to their well-being. Being able to say ‘no’ and giving our reasons sets an example for our children that they too can say ‘no’ even when it is going against the tide of popularity if they are feeling uncomfortable about the request. It says that being with the ‘in’ crowd or doing what is perceived to be ‘cool’ is not anywhere near as important as doing what is right for themselves as individuals.

So next time your child approaches you with a request and says “but everyone else is allowed” take a step back, listen to your own instincts and feelings, think about what is good or right for them as an individual as well as for your family before you make your decision. Even though they may not show it, your child is counting on it.