The practice of healthy family conflict
Family conflict can be a good thing or it can be very destructive to the family environment. There is nothing wrong with family members having disagreements in fact it is very normal and healthy. It’s what happens during these disagreements and how they are handled and resolved that makes the difference between good and bad conflict.
So what does it look like when families are ok with conflict?
Families that are ok with conflict are able to disagree respectfully with each other. They understand that people have different ideas and opinions and that being able to voice our opinions gives us a feeling of importance and belonging to a group.
Families that are ok with conflict are able to “clear the air” of resentments. They understand that sometimes disagreements can act to motivate us to change.
Families that are ok with conflict also look for “win-win” solutions, rather than “win-lose” or “lose-lose (often veiled as compromise)” solutions. When they disagree, they try to hear and learn the other side’s needs and point of view, rather than try to “win” the fight.
So how do we get to this?
Every family has certain rules that are non-negotiable. Try not to turn everything into “non-negotiable,” forcing other members of the family into feeling like they have no control. Welcome feedback and debate on family decisions wherever possible! It will build on trust and foster communication, independence, self esteem AND teamwork.
Encourage family members to express their views and feelings in respectful ways to each other (no yelling, insulting, put-downs, talking down to others, etc.).
Define the conflict. Work together to make sure members know exactly what the problem is in clear and specific language.
Keep your compassionate side open. Reflect back. Control your personal feelings! Repeat back to the other members what they are asking for and what they need to ensure each person understands and each person feels heard. Ask them to do the same.
Be optimistic and make it clear that the goal is to come to a happy/happy solution whenever possible.
Accept that conflict can be a little uncomfortable, and that’s ok.
When siblings argue, the parent does not have to get involved or try and solve the problem. Remain neutral, our role as parents is simply to ensure all parties stay calm and work to solve the problem in a respectful, safe and kind way. Remember: It’s not the end of the world if a family member steps over the line. In fact, working through controversy and conflict as a team and in a respectful way helps each individual member develop confidence in the family as a group!
