Discipline - It's not about punishment
At some point, parents are faced with choosing what to do when children exceed the limit, break an agreement, or step outside the rules. If a parent chooses punishment, his underlying belief is that children must be made to feel so bad about their misbehaviour that they will never do it again.
Unfortunately, when we punish, we also push our children away. We create distance in the relationship. This becomes clear when we remember moments from our own childhood when we were punished. While you were grounded, did you spend your time contemplating how you could have handled the situation better or did you consider how you could do it next time without getting caught? Did you feel close to dad when he sent you to your room following a lecture or were you thinking he was a jerk? Did you ask him for help with your homework or did you decide to stick it out alone because you were afraid of his reaction? How could your parents have handled the situation more respectfully?
Punishing our children in this way may appear to have the desired effect however the real results will usually not be played out in front of us. They will probably be played out elsewhere with friends, in the playground etc. It is here that our children will use the examples they are given at home on how to get what you want as a means to fulfilling their own needs.
Rather than focusing on punishment we need to use times of misbehaviour as opportunities to guide our children and redirect them in a way that allows them to reflect and learn positive ways to fulfil their needs and doesn’t diminish our relationship with them.
Our level of connection with our children is directly related to our level of effectiveness. The deeper our connection, the more influential we are. Being influential means our children will come to us for help in solving problems, that they will listen to us and honour our requests, and that we have a more peaceful, cooperative home. Here are some ways to connect and build stronger relationships with our children: Do something each day to recognize your child. Notice them when they enter the room. Recognize their helpfulness. Focus on their positive contributions. Do more listening and less talking. Be a part of their team rather than an adversary so that you can help them be successful. Choose consequences over punishment. Consequences are respectful, reasonable, related to the misbehaviour or mistake, and they teach responsibility. They can even be fun. An agreement is the foundation for effective consequences. Children know what to expect if they choose to break their agreement.
A consequence for a child who paints the house plant is for them to take charge of caring for the plant. They can make sure it regularly gets water and enough sunlight. This consequence is an opportunity to learn rather than a time to feel bad.
A child who constantly sneaks lollies -- when they have an agreement that lollies are eaten as a treat with parental permission -- can give a presentation to the family on healthy eating. They can be in charge of selecting healthy snacks at the supermarket.
Again, these consequences are respectful opportunities for your child to learn a different way. They may seem to take up a lot of time and effort but the investment is worth it. They will be gaining a better understanding of themselves and learning skills that will benefit them for the rest of their lives. And best of all they allow parents to maintain closeness with their children by focusing on a consequence that is respectful and reasonable. Choose closeness over being right. If your goal is to be right no matter the cost, the relationship will become strained. Power struggling with our children adds nothing positive to the family. It teaches children that they need to over-power someone else to get their way. If you are power struggling and feeling angry with your child, disengage, take a break and explain that you don’t want to argue and need to take time out to get calm and be able to find a happy/happy solution. Later when things are calm you can sit down together and problem solve in a way that allows everyone to contribute and feel a sense of ownership. You will not only set the example in self calming you will be able to guide and teach your children how best to get their needs fulfilled which allows all involved to be happy and maintain dignity.
