No judgements here!
Humans are very social beings. When it comes to friendships we all have particular needs which we try to fulfil. We need to feel loved, to feel we belong, and to feel valued. Children are no different and so making long-lasting friendships helps them to Sometimes this can be difficult for some to achieve. The reasons can be many and varied. It may be because of the actions of others, it may be their own actions or it may be a bit of both. It’s helpful to remember that for children it is a big learning curve and their not always going to get it right, however, as parents we can make a big difference to their ability to cope and nurture strong healthy friendships.
The number one thing your child needs is your support. That’s why they are talking to you about it. The following strategies will help to support them and assist them in their social learning in a positive way:
Help without judgement. Your child may not necessarily tell the whole story. They are more likely to tell the version of events that makes them look good. This is only natural, as they don’t want you to think worse of them. Our job is not to judge them or any other child involved in the story being told but to just simply listen. Listening allows your child to hear themselves and have the space to revisit their own actions and begin to understand the reasons behind other’s actions as well. If we know that our children are just as capable of making mistakes as any other child we will be less tempted to make judgements on others. A school principal once started the school year by telling parents that if they only take fifty percent of what their children tell them about what happened at school seriously then he would only take fifty percent of what the children told him about what happens at home seriously.
Stay calm. The social aspect of school life will inevitably involve many, many mistakes made by most children towards each other. It is how these mistakes are handled and what the child takes away from each mistake that will count towards this critical learning and development. Keep them in the driver’s seat. Taking over the problem and fixing it for them only serves to create one of two results. Your child will learn cope with life’s challenges by relying on others to fix it for them or they will learn to keep their problems to themselves so that they can continue to feel in control of what happens to them. This is your opportunity to teach them how to think of options, the advantages and disadvantages of each option and then which option to take. Encourage them to think of solutions. Hold back on giving them the answers, it will only send them the message that you don’t believe in your child’s ability to come up with solutions themselves, after all, they are the closest to the problem and what it entails.
Don’t use problems as the only opportunity for connection. Allowing school-time problems to become the main source of discussion at home can sometimes turn into the only source of connection and attention if not kept in check. If your child seems happy and doesn’t raise the problem that they were upset about the night before, it is best to either leave it completely or just ask how things are now in passing and move onto other topics quickly so that they can have your attention for good times too. Spending too much time can lead to your child becoming used to the closeness they receive from having your undivided attention and may start embellishing or creating something out of nothing just to keep you involved.
Be a Caring Coach. Make sure you let them know that you’re on the same team, even when you think your child is wrong. It's easy to want to correct your child when you see things so clearly from an adult perspective. But this is not about blame; it’s about finding a better way. Let your child know you believe he can make friends. When he feels that you are on his side, he'll be more open to imagination, suggestions, and change.
Imagine Simplicity. Invite him to share his peer problem with you. Depending on his age, guide him to explore his feelings with simple emotional language. Then ask him to imagine how he'd like it to be. Encourage him to draw or write about present and future possibilities. Once he has a vision you can help him take the steps to reach his goal. Whatever kids visualise and mentally rehearse, they are more likely to actualise in life. Consider Different Scenarios. Discuss how to make amends with problem friends or reach out to new ones. Role-play together, use puppets or write a practice script. How would he like his "friendship show" to go? What does the final act look like? Re-Frame the Games. When a child is too competitive, others tire of playing with him. As your child hones his friendship skills, promote cooperation by changing focus from the end result to the journey. Asking "Who came in first?" or "What was the score?" inadvertently fuels competition. Instead, inquire whether he and his friends had fun, or if the team worked well together. You don't have to ignore who won; just don't make it top priority. He'll learn that games can be more than just winning. List of Friends. Imagining and making a list of friends is a handy skill. By encouraging them to widen their circle of friends we can help our children to see how different friendships can bring different joys to our lives. When one pal can't play -- whether he's unavailable or just doesn't want to -- other choices exist. It's a good idea to remember this on the playground and in planning after school or weekend activities.
Helping our children by using some of the above strategies will allow a safe place for them to practice healthy responses and enable them to be the best friend they can be.
