Are you there for me?

Research tells us that the most effective parenting style in achieving positive psychological and social outcomes is the Authoritative style. I often describe this style as having equal amounts of firmness and kindness.

Essentially I mean being firm and kind at the same time. How can this be? What about when we get angry or our children are misbehaving? How can we discipline and be kind at the same time? The answer to these questions lies in the way we choose to discipline.

When we discipline with the intention of teaching and guiding our children on a better way to behave or do things, we will be focused on the action and not on the person. If we discipline with the intention of hurting back because we are hurt or let down by their actions we will be focused on the person and ‘how could they’ or ‘they don’t care that I am hurt’.  While we are involved in our own hurt or disappointment we lose sight of a far more important and long term issue.

From the moment we are born (if not before) we will ask one question every second of every day to the most important people in our lives whether we are aware of it or not. The question is: ‘Are you there for me?’ This question comes in many forms including behaviour of course. Do I matter enough that you’ll put me first when I need you to – ahead of your job, ahead of your friends, even sometimes ahead of yourself? Can I count on you to attend to me in the ways I need you to? Do I truly and deeply matter to you? These questions are being asked – nonverbally through behavior often – and when they get answered “Yes,” our children can relax and begin to feel safe, just as we are often able to do in our own intimate relationships.

It is with this question in mind that we see how an authoritative parenting style allows for the answer to be ‘Yes’ as much as possible because even though we may be angry, hurt or upset with our children we can still ‘be there for them’. It is essentially unconditional love: “I love you and I want you to stop shouting at me; I love you and I can see we need to talk about how we can both be happy with the outcome; I love you and need you to respect my belongings”.

Disciplining and being ‘there for them’ requires us to create an environment where: Rules and consequences are defined, but input from children are invited; being generally open to questions and feedback from children; consequences/punishments enforced, but with respect and care for the child and some flexibility; parents monitor behaviour with attitudes of support and nurture, rather than a punitive, intrusive approach.

The possible outcomes for our children include:

· Socially responsible/aware

· Skills in negotiating/cooperating

· Assertive communication

· Capacity for self-regulation of behaviour

· Sense of personal value and worth

This is my first blog entry for 2019. I will be creating a new blog entry each week.